I’ve concluded over the past several months that it’s quite possible to feel both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. You may know what I’m talking about here. It’s when something is so within your grasp, you know what it feels like, smells like, tastes like, looks like. You crave it. And every moment you envelop yourself with these sensory aspects of that one beautiful thing, you grow equally hopeless. As if the more you want and the closer you get to that ultimate acquisition, the farther and faster you fall from obtaining it — the more you realize that what you want isn’t anything you could possibly have, no matter how hard you try.
And herein lies the problem: You didn’t do anything wrong. You just felt what you were feeling, moving forward with those feelings and just being happy. But not so, says fate. Not now. Perhaps not ever. And that’s what’s so difficult, so impossible to understand. Each day those hopeful thoughts creep into your brain, but the hopeless thoughts are there, too, bringing you back to reality. Reality isn’t always fun.