For 230 years old, you look fabulous.

Today I went to the dentist.

No cavities.

But at the end of my check-up, as I’ve done the past three times I’ve visited the dentist, I said yes to the dental floss.

Knowing full well that I will never, ever floss my teeth, I said yes anyway. I want my dental hygienist to think I take care of my teeth, that I give a damn about them each and every day after leaving that chair.

The truth? I only think of my teeth when:

(1) Something, like popcorn, is stuck in them and they hurt.

(2) I have an appointment the following day and realize how little I care for my teeth.

(3) I’m examining a photograph to see how much teeth I’m showing when I smile.

So I took the floss, drove home and promptly put it with the other two unused packs of dental floss in my bathroom closet. During a period of 18 months, I have acquired three packs of dental floss and never broke the seal on any of them.

I expect the same thing to occur during my next appointment, scheduled for January 8, 2007.

How can I possibly remain cool as a cucumber when word on the street is that The Postal Service may bless our ears with a second album?

Today was a rather stressful day at work, which was documented in this Omaha World-Herald article, in which I was quoted.

As a result of today’s events, I received the following email from the one, the only Chris Machian.

From: Chris Machian
To: Wendy Townley
Date: June 27, 2006 2:44:13 PM CDT
Subject: cox

So my access to dancingnakedcatholicschoolgirls.com was interrupted today when cox went down.

Therefore I demand you come over and dance.

# # #

I can only assume Machian is referring to a Halloween costume I sported three years ago.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
 
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
 
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
 
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
 
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
 
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
 
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with
 
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
 
Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
 
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
 
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
 
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
 
Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
 
Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

No. 462: Don’t miss the magic of the moment by focusing on what’s to come.
{From “The Complete Life’s Little Instruction Book” by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.}

No. 349: Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. {From “The Complete Life’s Little Instruction Book” by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.}

I spent a few hours with my family earlier today going through my grandma’s house. We combed through closets of clothes and dresser drawers, kitchen cupboards and hall closets, old purses and sacks of stuff.

It was an emotional process. Moments of laughter were followed by silent tears. All of us took some of my grandma’s belongings. Never before have I treasured used silverware, loaf pans, ceramic canisters, used cotton hankies and a wind chime the way I do now. I feel closer to my grandma with her things now in my home.

Two weeks ago, we spent time going through her things. My dad visited the bank where my grandma rented a safe deposit box. In it was a handwritten note, dated September 2000, that listed who gets what. My sister has been given my grandma’s sewing machine. My cousin received dishes and glassware, while I took linens and napkin rings.

In her note, which was signed by her neighbors as witnesses, Maw instructed our family to sell the remaining unwanted items and split the money. “I wish it was more,” she wrote. “Love, Maw.”

Maw and I have shared the same birthday, December 6, since I was born back in ’78. There is no question I will continue to celebrate Maw’s life, especially on that special day each and every December.

I receive my fair amount of spam, but the following image, embedded in an HTML email, got me to thinking of a new career.

I can only assume the career “benefits” mentioned in this Web ad include noncommittal intercourse with married brunettes named Jane who prefer fruits over vegetables.

You be the judge: http://www.slate.com/id/2143810/?nav=ais

{You know my thoughts on this, folks.}